as witnessed by Akeela Valerian
Herein Calum, a bard, is confronting the members of a tough adventuring band, Dredd, Zeth, Ferran and Jace while the unsympathetic Wolf looks on. The party just had a difference of opinion as to which way to go next after losing a major battle.
Calum: Let me have your attention for a moment! So you're talking about what? You're talking about...(lights his pipe)...bitching about that battle you lost, some son of a bitch that doesn't want to die, somebody that doesn't believe in your cause, some prisoners you're trying to rescue and so forth. Let's talk about something important. Are they all here?
Wolf: All but one. He’s dead. Might be back some day.
Calum: Well, I'm going anyway. Let's talk about something important! (to Jace) Put that coffee down!! Coffee's for heroes only. (Jace scoffs) Do you think I'm fucking with you? I am not fucking with you. I'm here from Waterdeep. I'm here from Blackstaff and Elminster, Mystra keep him. And I'm here on a mission of mercy. Your name's Jace?
Jace: Yeah.
Calum: You call yourself a wizard, you son of a bitch?
Ferran: I don't have to listen to this shit.
Calum: You certainly don't pal. 'Cause the good news is -- you're fired. The bad news is you've got, all you got, just three weeks to regain your jobs, starting tonight. Starting with tonight’s decision. Oh, have I got your attention now? Good. 'Cause we're adding a little something to this months loot contest. As you all know, first prize is a Holy Mighty Cleaving Longsword of Justice. Anyone want to see second prize? Second prize's a +1 dagger. Third prize is you're fired. You get the picture? You're laughing now? You got clues. Blackstaff and Elminster paid good money. Get those enemies and kill them! You can't finish the enemies you're given, you can't save shit, you ARE shit, hit the bricks pal and beat it 'cause you are going out!!!
Jace: The enemies are strong.
Calum: 'The enemies are strong.' Fucking enemies are strong? You're weak. I've been in this business fifteen years.
Ferran: What's your name?
Calum: FUCK YOU, that's my name!! You know why, Mister? 'Cause you walked to get here tonight, and I teleported. That's my name!! (to Jace) And your name is "you're scared." And you can't play in a man's game. You can't finish them. (at a near whisper) And you go home and tell your familiar your troubles. (to everyone again) Because only one thing counts in this life! Doing the right thing! You hear me, you fucking faggots?
(Calum starts puffing puffing on his pipe, then begins to blow smoke clouds into the air before him. The clouds begin to form letters: ABC, and AIDA.)
Calum: A-B-C. A- Always, B- be, C- Combating. Always be combating! Always be combating!! A-I-D-A Attention, interest, decision, and action. Attention—do I have your attention, fangface? Interest—are you interested? You know they are because it’s fight or die. You save people, or you hit the bricks! Decision- have you made a decision?!!! And action. Blam! A-I-D-A; get out there!! You got the minions comin' in; you think they came in to get out of the rain? Guy doesn't fight for the enemy unless he wants to die. Sitting out there waiting to give you their heart’s blood! Are you gonna take it? Are you man enough to take it? (to Ferran) What's the problem pal? You. Ferran.
Ferran: You're such a hero, you're so rich. Why you coming down here and waste your time on a bunch of bums?
(Calum pulls a crystal ball from his haversack)
Calum: You see this crystal ball? You see this ball?
Ferran: Yeah.
Calum: That ball cost more than your greataxe. I made 200,000 pieces of gold last month. How much you make? You see, pal, that's who I am. And you're nothing. Nice guy? I don't give a shit. Good fighter? Fuck you -- go home and play with your short sword!! (to everyone) You wanna work here? Be a hero!! (to Dredd and Zeth) You think this is abuse? You think this is abuse, you cocksuckers? You can't take this -- how can you take the abuse you get on a battlefield?! You don't like it -- leave. I can go out there tonight with the info you got, make myself fifteen thousand gold! Tonight! In two hours! Can you? Can you? Go and do likewise! A-I-D-A!! Get mad! You sons of bitches! Get mad!! You know what it takes to save a Dale?
(He pulls something out of his haversack)
Calum: It takes brass balls to save a Dale.
(He's holding two brass balls on string, over the appropriate "area"--he puts them away after a pause)
Calum: Go and do likewise, gents. The enemy’s out there, you find it, it's yours. You don't--I have no sympathy for you. You wanna go out on those battles and save people, then save them, it's yours. If not you're going to be shining my shoes. Bunch of losers sitting around in a bar. (in a mocking weak voice) "Oh yeah, I used to be an adventurer, it's a tough racket." (he takes out sole scrolls tied together with string from his haversack) These are the new leads. These are the White Tower leads. That’s right, I hit my bardic knowledge check, bitches. And to you, they're gold. And you don't get them. Because to give them to you is just throwing them away. (he hands the stack to Wolf) They're for heroes.
I'd wish you good luck but you wouldn't know what to do with it if you got it. (to Ferran as he puts on his crystal ball away) And to answer your question, pal: why am I here? I came here because Blackstaff and Elminster asked me to, they asked me for a favor. I said, the real favor, follow my advice and fire your fucking ass because a loser is a loser.
(The Bard stares at Ferran for a moment, picks up his crossbow, and teleports to Waterdeep with Wolf)
